IT SEEMS particularly appropriate that on St George’s day, our subject should be the problem of taking a leak in the Baltic - a problem which, it must be admitted, only ever seems to be experienced by English visitors. It has become a kind of rite of pissage for visitors to the fair city of Riga to leave a warm, wet memento of their visit somewhere near the Freedom Monument, much to the annoyance of the locals.
But there’s good news from the gutter - a solution is at hand and we can thank those suspiciously clever Estonians for providing it.
On my recent Tallinn trip I was lucky enough to have a function (in all senses of the word) in the beautiful old Town Hall. Having prepared yet another killer question in advance for the Q&A session at the end of the event, I retired to the little boys’ room to be in full fighting trim.
Now, the Town Hall is a mediaeval building of immense historical significance. Every stone, beam and tile has a tale to tell. That architecteural awe even extends into the gents’, which I immediately saw could legitimately claim to be Europe’s most culturally-significant karzi, the sort of UNESCO-certified, guided-tour, book-in-advance crapper one rarely encounters.
The facilities themselves were perfectly standard - a couple of urinals (or were they Duchamps?) and a eurocubicle. But what set this water closet apart was the fact that one wall consisted of a huge glass sheet behind which lay the remains of a 13th-century wall, complete with text explaining its archaeological significance. So users of the smallest room could merrily syphon the python while adding to their knowledge and appreciation of Tallinn’s mediaeval history.
Surely this offers the way forward to Riga, and indeed historic English market towns plagued by braying, spraying revellers every weekend. All they need to do is erect a Clochemerle-style urinal around the most significant cultural landmark in town. Not only will it be easy to find, but users will reap the double benefits of liquid relief and learning simultaneously, driving up educational standards by dropping trousers, so to speak.
Who knows, it might even create a new market for ‘toilet tourism’? One day you could be relieving yourself over the ancient megaliths of Stonehenge, the next day enjoying a lucky dip at the Trevi Fountain. A pilgrimage to Mecca might even be on the cards at some point.
Anyway, happy St George’s Day. Celebrate it in true English style by bumbling around, avoiding a scene wherever possible and feeling vaguely disappointed at the end of it.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008 at 10:01 am and is filed under Miscellaneous. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
